What if we would not have had children?

 A high school girlfriend recently found me and told me she is totally “free” now – no children and she quit her job to move to a new place with her husband.  When she was online with Selena (she is Selena’s god mother), I was reading with Jasmine and answering some math questions from Liane,  and Selena was asking me “mom, how to say ‘swamp’ in Chinese?”.   I said, “Selena, tell your godmother to come over to take care of you. Only you!”. 

 

What if we would not have had children?  It sounds terrible! But I swear I have thought of it.  Like the two of my close girlfriends, one is from high school (Selena’s godmother) and one is from college (Jasmine’s godmother), they are DINK (double income no kids). There are times I admire their freedom.  Since I've had the girls, I did  not recall anymore than three short business trips, where I left them at home.   I always stay on top of everything that is related to them. Sometimes I forgot myself, my life, my time and my comfort zone.

 

 I agree with what people say  “Parenting is a sweet cause, but also bitter --- bittersweet.”  In looking back on the past six years living in China, I recall how much of my happiness and honor have come from our 3three girls. I cried almost every time when Jasmine performed somewhere, which she did fairly often.  Her consistency of striving to do well always touches me.  Liane loves sports. Her courage and braveness in playing soccer, basketball and swimming  are admirable--she never gives up!! Selena, our oldest, always strives for getting to be academically on top, regardless  of how stressful it was.  Each child is very different.  How much I enjoy riding with them and talking about school, their friends and sharing life experiences with them.  And of course, there are stormy times when their emotions go up and down dramatically --- usually one after another:)!

 

 

What if we would not have had children? Well, I would certainly miss my chats with my girls.  They each carry their own character and is very attractive (to mom at least):!  The girls and I were praying the other night before we went to bed,  and I regret to admit, I lost my temper with them and was asking for forgiveness.  They were quietly listening to me,-- and then, here comes a low voice (from Liane imitating God) “It is OK, you are forgiven.” (her sense of humor always amuses me).  Jasmine is very sensitive, she likes to take shower with me and talks about something private, “You know what mom? To be honest, I think Daddy and Liane really LOVE you.  They need your attention. So remember to hug them each time when you say goodbye.  Hug them tightly!” (her sensitivity always touches my heart).  Selena has become much more mature since we moved back to Seattle.  She helps with housework (knowing that we lost our privilege of having nanny in the last 12 years), she deals with Liane’s frustrations well and her calmness, maturity and sensibility goes a long way to help out.

 

What if we would not have had children?  Oh, my! It's hard to imagine, but life would be so much less colorful.  Right now, I see so much of “mom” in Selena and “ dad” in Liane, and  Jasmine is the best part of “me”.  It is very interesting to see them as a mirror reflecting certain parts of us, as parents. I am certain that we learn and grow right along with them. Without them, life will be so boring and I would not be able to conquer difficulties that come along in life -- perhaps, most fundamentally, I would not be me – a proud and hard-working mom and a fulfilled woman.

 

Cultural Differences -- Cultural Revolution -- Trust

Last night, friends came over for dinner. As usual, Louie cooked some wonderful homemade Yi’s recipes  (yummy,yummyJ).  When the kids went downstairs to watch a movie, the adults had a talk about the “differences” between American and Asian.  One of the examples was when the girls were  selling homemade dumplings in our  neighborhood last weekend in order to raise fund for the kids with cancer at school.  The dumplings were sold out and 100% purchased by Caucasians.  Two of the Asian neighbors turned down the “offer”.  Asians should like dumplings more than Americans, however it is not about the “food” itself; it is about trust.   Another example happened when Selena and I went to Starbucks for a light dinner before her dance class  the other day.  As soon as we sat down, a girl came to us and told us the machine was down and the store would be closing.  She offered complimentary coupons for us to come back next time.  I shared this incident  with my friends in China.  One of them wrote back to me and said, if that had happened in China, the first reaction would be be “Is it true?” – the question mark!  On top of that, there won’t be any “compensation”.  It is about “trust”. 

During the Cultural Revolution, relationships between people became very complicated and trust was damaged.  It is why we always say Americans are easier to get to  the point.  Chinese sometimes have to go around and around before they make  the point.  It might have to do with the culture, but also life experiences  really changed people in important ways.  I remembered an interview was conducted here in US with one of the June 4^th , 1989 Tiananmen Square Incident leaders.  She said, “Everyone lies in China”  and her point was that  you almost had to “protect” yourself to lie about something in order to cover yourself.  How sad that was!  “Trust” and “Integrity” are such valuable characteristics to carry for a person.

China has five thousand years of culture, our ancestors taught us “a man without trust and integrity is not a true man”.  Louie and one of the friends at dinner that evening went through the tough time of the Cultural Revolution. They were silent in the discussion until  we finally all agreed that “America is like a huge laundry machine. People come from all over the world  and bring their own colors.  We might get ‘dyed’.  But it all gets  washed off eventually. “ No matter how complicated your thoughts are, finally we  can be  clear and  direct  here in the States. "

In China -- How to Change to a Better School?

I was told the principal of the school, Ms. Wang greeted students every morning, Monday through Friday at 7:45 am.  I drove to the school on one of the chilly mornings to meet my friend Lilian. Her son had got accepted into the same school after her husband, a nice, humble Taiwanese man introduced himself and their son right at front gate of the school.  I was going to do the same. 

We waited in the car, until Lilian pointed out the principal, an elegant woman in red overcoat was standing right by the front gate with a beautiful smile on her face to greet each of her students and teachers.  I got out of my car and patiently waited until the school bell rang.  I went forward and introduced myself and shook hands with her.  I certainly was not shy. I felt like a sales-woman who had to finish the introduction of our family, three daughters and why we came all the way from US to China within a short time frame.  She listened, nodded and smiled, even praised me and my husband for our “great” decision of moving to China to learn Chinese and its culture.  We talked about 10 minutes before I expressed my gratitude and left.  The meeting was pleasant, but I did not know this would be just the beginning of a marathon. 

This was was December 2009 --  the school  was starting winter vacation in early Jan 2010  and would be out of session for one month.  After I exchanged many (I mean many many) text messages with Ms. Wang, I was told the quota was full for spring semester which started after Chinese New Year and continued until the summer vacation.  

If I were to tell you I had never used this much effort in my communication skills-- not even on marketing business to build up clients base, you might laugh -- but it is so true.  If I had done work with the same effort, now Lotus would have triple the number of clients now (LOL!)  I did not give up. I kept in close contact with Ms. Wang.  She felt sorry that she could not help with the quota (education bureau puts a  limit on the number of students of each class, which is 47!!). She suggested I write to the head of the district education bureau.  That was the most beautiful letter I have ever written.  I expressed our desire of entering into the school, the research I had done, the long trip we made from US to China, our family and three lovely girls, each had their own talents to bring to the school.  I personally delivered the letter to the education bureau office.  I did not hear back for at least two months. 

By this time, it was already late April. I knew that mid-May is the deadline for fall semester registration.  Since the girls are US citizens  and we were not living within the school district, I could not just go and register the girls.  The waiting time was very long and tough.  I decided to make a call to Ms. Wang, even though the call might not be picked up. I thought, it most likely wouldn’t get picked up.  I was anxious to know anyway… Yes, she answered the phone!!  And guess what? The head of the district education bureau was sitting right next to her!!  They were having a meeting together and it was the break time.  She told me that she would ask about the letter and get back to me.  This could be an excuse to end the conversation.  But I could tell she sensed my feelings and was willing to help.  I saw a glimmer of hope and even became hopeful to hear back from her that day.  Of course that was not what happened though. After a few days of waiting, I saw this text message:  “Please come to school at 2:30 pm today”.  Selena and I both dressed up and arrived at 2:15 pm.  A parent was in the principal’s office, talking and bowing with tears (the mom later became my friend, her son was in the same class with Selena) and looked like she was grateful to the principal.  Finally, it was our turn.  Selena talked about the book she brought along to discuss. The book was written by a Japanese writer who had written about her school and principal when she was young.  Ms. Wang also read the book and was happy that Selena’s reading level was quite advanced.  I was asked to fill out some family investigation forms.  And I was told we could come to register Selena on May 14.  By looking around the campus, I found they had a very small playground and the slides were old.  When I expressed my desire to make donation to make the playground nicer, Ms. Wang told me the school already had funds from the education bureau for that and thanked me for my gesture. Our family later made a donation which was used to set up a school counselor program, to help both teachers and students.  We are really pleased with the donation usage, and Ms. Wang and I became lifelong  friends.

Researching Schools in China

The time was September 2009, when our oldest daughter Selena started first grade in China.  We liked a public school that was a well-known local university’s attached elementary school in Guangzhou.  It was also close to where we lived, so it seemed ideal.  I still have very vivid memories of Selena and I walking the thirty minutes through the university campus each way every day to school.  We talked, laughed and tried to recite English words along the way.  It was fun and we both really enjoyed our private mother-daughter time.  Ms. Li was Selena’s lead teacher; she was very rigid and controlling.  I understood she was also the first grade teachers’ leader, which meant she led the teachers group and had direction for all the first grade students in the school.  I certainly did not expect she would try to lead the parents as wellJ!   I decided that I appreciate respect more than leadership from my daughter’s teacher. 

At this time it was 1 ½ years after we moved back to China.  I went online searching and found a group called Guangzhou Mothers.  There was a huge amount of discussion about schools in Guangzhou and there were ratings of each as well.  There was one top school which listed that It’s mission included being “student-based”  -- this of course, really caught my eye.  In China’s traditional teaching, it is always  “teacher-based”  -- what that really means is that the teacher talks the entire time and students listen only and take notes.  The teacher is never to be questioned and even if everyone knows the teacher is wrong, no one will say anything of it.  This school described their approach as “student-based” which meant that students would discuss topics in different groups in the class and ask questions with a lot of opportunity for students to present information themselves.  In this school, reading was also highly encouraged, with most of their students reading a great number of books and words from first grade. Sounds like a great fit!  But how to transfer from one school to another?

China "Honeymoon Period"

In the first six months after we relocated to China, it was like our “honeymoon” to a new place even though both Louie and I came from China to the US 20 years ago.  It was quite exciting to see so many people around every day, eat gourmet food and of course make new friends.  The girls went to a private pre-school at Guangzhou’s Ersha Island and we made quite a few “expat” friends who worked for US consulate. Many parents of children from that school were international families and I remember visiting the expat compound so often for birthday parties or other events that the girls often got confused about if we live in China or America.   There, most people spoke English in the expat compound and it seemed so different than the rest of the world J    

We made some really GREAT friends with those parents, which I cherish and will appreciate for a lifetime. Many of the children graduated from the private pre-school chose and then chose to go to the international school or go abroad for study.  Our family made a different decision and enrolled our kids in the local Chinese public school.  That decision brought us into the real world in China – it proved to be a really good decision as I look back on it all six years later.  Louie and I, as parents, grew with our children along the way and experienced “real” life in China.  The expat community was helpful for transition, but I’m glad our children experienced the “real” China.  That was a key reason for our international move in the first place. 

When we relocated to China in 2008 it was 50% for business and 50% for our children, I would like to say moving back to the states now in 2014 is 100% for our children. Back in 2007, we had talked regularly about making the move to China. It actually turned out to be a quick decision that December when we learned one of our key staff members was leaving our Seattle office to move back to China herself.  Louie and I made up our mind. 

It was Jan 06, 2008 when our family arrived in Guangzhou BaiYun International Airport with 10 pieces of checking luggage and 20 + carry-ons, plus three young children.  Jasmine was carried on daddy’s shoulder.  Our girls were pretty young at five, three and one year old.  They were at a perfect stage to learn a second language (Mandarin is really the first language for Jasmine).

It turned out to be such an incredible year for our family and for China.   On May 12, 2008, the Sichuan Earthquake took thousands of Chinese lives. And just four days shy of three months after the earthquake, Beijing hosted its very first Olympics Game.  We cried for the lost lives and made large donation to support people who lost their family members. We cheered for the greatest number of gold medals for China at the Olympics.  It was quite a year for China and for each of us.

Differences: Dance Competition

The girls  and I recently watched a Champion Dancing Competition between China and US ("So You Think You Can Dance"). While the program originated the US, China broadcast it while we were still there. The competition was between the champion dancers of China and US.  Coincidently one of the five judges, the only Chinese judge Mr. Li Hengda is  the girls’ dancing instructor here in Seattle.  This is definitely the top competition, here is the link http://www.tudou.com/albumplay/SWbunVpEi2c/S6RGeutcIHI.html

 

Chinese dancers won the overall best group competition. Their training foundation and skills are very strong and their presentation is artistic and flawless.  The individual winner was, Russell from US.   Russell won the super star/dancer over China’s Zhang, AoYue.  My observation is:  you know Chinese artists or athletes are trained professionally typically from 4-5 years old for a good 10- 20 years full time before they became famous. One example of this that comes to mind is LangLang (the Chinese pianist).  He has practiced 9 hours a day every day since he was five.  I am not sure anyone can have that long lasting of an “interest”.   Yes, we have heard over and over, that is why you are not LangLang or "xxx" because you can not endure the hard times. Langlang’s dad almost caused him to commit suicide when he refused to practice.   I  remember reading Michael Phelps biography (Olympics’ seven gold medal swimmer).  It told of how he loves swimming and enjoys it. 

 

I am sure many of our Chinese “stars” must love what they have been doing before they commit to it. However, there is still a difference in the culture that affects each differently.   It showed in the dance competition.  China’s essentials of basic training is way above; the dancers are visually beautiful and present each move very nicely.  However, US dancers are more of the “international model”.  It has to do with the culture, education and overall environment.   During the performance, the American dancers really touched us with their enthusiasm about dancing. It was funny and relaxing to watch. As a matter of fact, my three girls really supported the US group in their cheering because they loved their natural and relaxed style.  I think the soul of art is to touch people’s heart and when that happens, it is contagious. 

 

People even said the Chinese dancers were much more relaxed in the Las Vegas competition than when performing in China.  I totally understand.   This is why when we just look at an American kid you can tell he/she is different from a Chinese kid (our girls are a little different, they are "wild"J) .  Americans are more at ease.  Chinese people will say Americans are natural to become an actor/actress or a public speaker since they are much more relaxed, natural and poised.  Chinese are trained to be intentional in everything they do -- it must be for a purpose.  Of course things have changed a lot, China is changing and connecting to the world and is beginning to learn to play under the “international model”.